Visiting a Pro-domme for the First Time

We’re at the end of the three-part series on making your submissive kinks a reality. If you’re interested, you can read the first two parts, “Introducing Your Wife or Significant Other to Female Domination” and “Finding a Dominant Girlfriend”. In this section, we’ll be discussing visiting a pro-domme.

If you’ve never visited a pro-domme, one of the first questions you may have is whether such services are legal. This depends on where you reside. First off, I’m not a lawyer. Also, most of my research on this matter is limited to America. It’s simply too large of a topic to research from a global perspective. While this may be an over-simplified statement, Europe tends to be more lax regarding sex work than America. And yes, BDSM for hire is sex work. Without the sexual impulses, no one would be hiring dominatrixes.

I’ll save my rant on why outlawing prostitution is impractical and immoral for another blog post. First, let’s look at the current situation. There are many asinine laws on the books. Take this frightening example. Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah all have sodomy laws banning certain “unnatural” sex acts. These often include oral and anal sex and bestiality. While I think most of us are comfortable with protecting animals, having the state attempt to restrict the former pair is quite disturbing. You might think these laws don’t matter. Certainly the local police aren’t going to bust down your door on a tip that you’re receiving a blowjob. However, as recently as 2014, the Louisiana House of Representatives voted 67-27 to continue same-sex sting operations whose goal was to arrest consenting individuals for engaging in same-sex relations.

Since these laws are unconstitutional, they are never held up in court, but they do send a clear message to the populace: certain sexual acts are immoral, which is the whole point of them still existing. By the way, in case you think this story is a one-off, I could literally fill up a year’s worth of blog posts listing stories that are far worse.

So where do pro-dommes fall into this murky, dated legal system in which federal and state laws often don’t agree? The best answer I can provide is that they exist on a thin grey line. There is very little written about BDSM in the legal context. When anti-sodomy and anti-prostitution laws were written, I don’t think power exchange was wildly known or discussed. However, that doesn’t mean previous laws can’t be applied to new situations. Laws are purposely written in vague legal jargon. Judges realize that laws cannot cover every foreseeable situation of the future. They write them in a manner that can have broad legal application. Therefore, whether paying a dominatrix is illegal depends on many factors such as the judge, the prosecutor, and the arguments of the defense.

You can easily see how cloudy this becomes. If a spanking arouses the individual, is this really any different from prostitution? Does it matter if it’s a clothed or naked spanking? How is CBT handled? There’s definitely touching of the genitals there. Where do you draw the line with body worship?

It’s all very confusing.

You can follow a few tips to limit your chances of legal trouble. If you’re going to visit a dominatrix, make sure the sex work she provides is only related to BDSM. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with visiting a sex worker who splits her time between being an escort and a dominatrix or one who blends the two during a session. I’m simply stating that traditional sex workers, on average, have a greater likelihood of being targeted by law enforcement. And yes, I’m aware of the crackdown a few years ago in New York City that closed many BDSM clubs, but I think that’s a rather isolated event. If you want to stay clear of the heat, hire someone who exclusively provides domination services.

So how do you know who is exclusive and how do you go about finding a competent domme? You may never know with complete certainty that a sex worker provides exclusive BDSM services. However, there are some attributes to look for that can give you a fairly good idea. If the dominatrix has her own website, she’ll list whether she engages in sexual activities. Most do not. And unlike escorts who say that the “donation” is not for sex and that whatever happens between two consenting people happens, dominatrixes aren’t trying to circumvent the law while giving their prospective clients a wink. They’re telling you unequivocally that they aren’t going to provide you with a happy ending. If that bothers you, find another domme who offers what you’re seeking.

Beyond individual websites, you can find local pro-dommes on Backpage. Be very wary of these. Many of these ads are fakes. If they don’t list their own website, I would be very skeptical. The Erotic Review is also a good site where you can see if someone has posted fake pictures and read reviews from clients. I’m not a big fan of these review sites as I think it pressures sex workers to provide services they’re uncomfortable with in order to please clients, but I understand there benefit to potential clients.

You may be surprised to learn how few dominatrixes are in your area unless you inhabit a large city. Therefore, you might have to take a trip to realize your fantasies unless a traveling domme happens to be passing through your area. Of course, the paradox with traveling dommes is that they usually only venture to populated areas that already have pro-dommes.

Another aspect that may come as a shock to some is the price for professional domination. $250 an hour is not unreasonable and highly sought after dommes often charge more. This is about in line with the cost of seeing an escort. Some men wonder why a dominatrix, who isn’t having sex with her client, can justify such high prices. I actually look at it in the reverse manner. A good, well-equipped dungeon can cost fifty grand to stock. Have you ever taken a look at the prices of those latex dresses or military boots? A good bondage table alone can run over a grand. Whether you’re visiting a pro-domme or looking to spice up your monogamous sex life with a partner, BDSM is a very pricey fetish. There’s also the training to consider. Dominatrixes don’t learn to properly swing a bullwhip over a weekend, and incorrectly using one can seriously injure a person.

This is one of the reasons I wish sex work was legal and regulated. I’m a CPA. The state says I can audit and sign off on publicly traded financial statements. This is because I’ve earned a bachelors and masters degree in accounting from an accredited university and passed the four sections of the CPA exam. With a dominatrix, it doesn’t work this way. There are no degrees or certifications. You have to rely on a stranger’s word, and considering the obvious power tilt of BDSM, this should be a very disconcerting reality to any sub. Therefore, you should never feel ashamed about asking a domme for references or her background and training. If this pisses her off, move on. A competent domme will be more than willing to provide you with answers. In fact, considering how frustrated many dommes are with subs who state they have no limits, she will probably be reassured that she is working with an intelligent individual who’s thinking with more than the head between his legs.

And since we’re on the subject of limits, you should have an idea as to what you want and don’t want to occur during a session. It’s okay to tell the dominatrix that it’s your first time and that you aren’t exactly sure what you are into. However, you should have a general idea of a few things you’d like to try. If you’ve been fantasizing about this for years and it’s an urge strong enough for you to hire a dominatrix, I can’t believe you honestly don’t have any clue as to what you desire.

After you’ve found a pro-domme and you have an idea of a fetish or two you’d like to try, it’s time to book your session. You’ll need to decide how long of a session you want to reserve. I highly recommend booking a two-hour session. Unless you have only one particular fetish you want to explore, one hour isn’t enough time. Setting up a bondage scene, for example, might take fifteen or twenty minutes. If it’s your first time, you’ll probably be nervous, too. With only an hour, you’re likely to just begin to feel like you’re relaxing and getting into the scene by the time it’s over.

When corresponding with a pro-domme, remember to be polite. Ask questions if you have them. A dominatrix is accustomed to working with nervous newcomers. Just remember that she isn’t a mind reader. If you have a strange fetish, bring it up. Chances are she has heard it before. If not, I doubt you’re the oddest client she has ever seen, and she probably appreciates having the opportunity to explore something new. If your fetish imposes on one of her hard limits, respect her boundaries just as she will respect yours.

One of the questions you’re likely to be asked is whether marks can be left. This is up to you and your personal situation. Some subs enjoy receiving marks so they can be viewed during the days following a session, as it gives the sub a sense of being branded by his mistress. If you do want marks, be sure to clarify where marks can and can’t be left.

Before your session, I recommend going two or three days without ejaculating. This is by no means a requirement, but you might as well get your money’s worth and be super horny. Also, don’t forget to show up looking your best. This doesn’t mean arriving in a three-piece suit, but a shower and some basic grooming can go a long way, and you’re more likely to receive a better session. And by all means, don’t show up inebriated. Should you do this, any domme with an ounce of ethics will promptly show you the door. If you’ve scheduled a particularly heavy corporal punishment session, you can take a few OTC pain relievers beforehand. This may help alleviate swelling.

Tipping is not necessary. If you want to get a gift, ask the domme her preference before buying something. Other than that, enjoy your session and be sure to thank your mistress. It’s also nice to send a short email the next day thanking her for the session.

Follow these recommendations and you’re likely to be on a great start to a long-term relationship with a pro-domme. I’ll add one caveat to end on. If you’ve never entertained you fetishes and you start out with a pro-domme, remember that your kink play with non-professionals is likely to be different. They’ll be more compromise, and you’ll need to lower your expectations.

Happy Holidays

I wanted to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a happy holidays. I’ll be back next week to conclude the three part series on making your submissive fantasies a reality. For the third part, I’ll be discussing visiting a pro-domme. Please be safe and enjoy your time with family and friends!

Finding a Dominant Girlfriend

Last week, I discussed how to introduce your wife or significant other to female domination. If you aren’t currently in a relationship you might have felt left out. Don’t despair. This week’s post is all about you. If you’re a single kinkster looking for love, consider yourself very fortunate. There are plenty of like-minded fetish enthusiasts out there with desires just as twisted or tame as your own.

Unfortunately, this is a numbers game, and the numbers aren’t encouraging for submissive males searching for their Wanda*. There are a wide range of stats on this issue. Some list submissive males outnumbering dominant females four to one. Academic research I’ve seen have numbers all over the place but submissive men always outnumber dominant women. If you read the fine print on these studies many of them only have a few hundred people (at best) and are often limited to a small geographical area.

Here’s Fetlife’s own numbers.

Fetlife Female Domination Stats

Link to larger graph.

Fetlife Female Domination Stats

Link to larger graph.

I know these are probably too small to see, so I’ve provided a link to them. If we add up sub and slave, we get 11.39% for men. For women, adding dom, domme, and mistress, we arrive at 10.74%. Sadist represents a percentage too small to be included. There’s also brat which I imagine contains a few dominant women. Given this comparison, there appears to be an almost 1:1 ratio.

However, at almost every Munch or fetish ball I’ve attended submissive men have far outnumbered dominant women. Others have confirmed my anecdotal reports. So what gives? The reason for this anomaly is simple; men outnumber women on Fetlife’s site 6:1.

We may never learn the real number, but I know this much. If you’re a submissive male in search of a dominant woman, being able to present yourself as a human being interested in real connections beyond having your fetishes entertained will put you in the top ten percent alone. Be respectful and find common ground beyond kinks and you’re likely to have much better success than shouting out a bucket list of fetishes to be fulfilled.

Fetlife is like Facebook for kinksters. There’s also Alt. For males, Collar Me (or Collar Space as they’ve now rebranded themselves) is a waste of time. I’m not even giving them the respect of a hyperlink. Another great site is AboutFLR. The dating portion is very small, but it has a wealth of information about female led relationships. There are a ton of other sites that a simple Google search will reveal. While POF and OkCupid don’t cater specifically to kinksters, they both have a large number of active users. Both are also free. (For the record, I met my spouse on OkCupid, so I think they’re pretty awesome.)

Fetlife is probably your best bet. Just don’t expect to find your dream domme in an afternoon. There are still lots of fakes, flakes, and pro dommes on any of these sites. Be patient and spend time filling out your profile to the best of your ability. You can use a photo, but realize that with reverse imaging, your photos might be found. If you do want to use a photo of yourself, which I highly encourage, post one that has never been put onto any other social media site before.

After you’ve set up your profile and you’ve started chatting with others who pique your interest, try moving things out of the digital world as soon as possible. Get a phone number and call the person. You’ll get a much better feel for them. It’s important that you don’t develop feelings for someone who only exists to you in cyberspace or through texting. We can present just about any persona we want on the Internet. Speaking to that person on the phone will give you a much better impression of who they are.

If all goes well, meet in a public venue and have coffee. It’s important to have one or two non-fetish meet-ups before diving into anything sexual. Call it kink courting. You also want to be careful that you don’t end up in any dangerous situations. Bondage with a stranger is a recipe for bad things to come. Remember that you control the pace. Any domme who is pushing you to engage in activities that you feel uncomfortable with is a major red flag. The reverse is also true for dommes.

While Internet sites can be a great way to meet others, don’t disregard Munches if they’re available in your area. Munches are informal get-togethers for like-minded fetishists held normally at a restaurant. This is a great way to meet experienced fetish participants. Even if you don’t find your domme at one of these, you are sure to meet veteran dommes who can help guide you and provide mentoring. Don’t underestimate how valuable this can be.

Finally, we get to the best way to meet your future dominatrix. Date regular women. While this is the long route, it’s probably the most common. While many men are aware of their fetishes, most women don’t discover their kinks until someone introduces them in a relationship. You may get turned down a few times after you reveal your kinks. And yes, she might tell her friends. Just make sure to have your phone close by because one of those girlfriends may decide to give you a ring.

*Wanda is a reference to the dominant woman in Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs.

Introducing Your Wife or Significant Other to Female Domination

I occasionally get emails from readers who have fantasized their whole lives about submitting to a dominant woman. Many of these men are married or in long-term relationships, so it always begs the question as to why they’re telling me about this instead of their significant other. I never ask because I already know the answer. They’re afraid of rejection.

In the spirit of the holiday season, where giving is a central theme, I decided to write a three part series on making your submissive fantasies come true. If you’re a female dominant looking for a slave, you should be able to reverse the pronouns and follow the same logic. For a virgin kinkster, I can think of no better present to yourself than the gift of realizing some of your submissive fantasies. In this blog post, I’ll be discussing how to introduce your wife or long-term partner to a female led relationship. In the next post, we’ll chat about finding a girlfriend or play partner who’s into femdom, and finally, we’ll end by talking about pro dommes.

Almost every submissive male is to some degree ashamed of his fetish. Our culture still assumes the man is to ask the girl out, initiate sex, ask for marriage, and lead the household. Sexual submission—whether practiced as a weekly spanking or as a lifestyle based on a female led relationship—turns those notions on its head. Too often, the submissive male is viewed as a weakling or a loser. It’s no wonder these men resist the idea of outing themselves to their romantic interests. They fear ridicule at best and a divorce or break up at worst.

Submissive men have to get that misrepresented caricature out of their head. When confessing their submissive kinks, men often approach the woman as if they’re admitting to bankruptcy, criminal convictions, or terminal illnesses. If you’re that ashamed of your fetishes, how do you expect other people to respect them? Have confidence and be proud of your kinks. Know that submission is a gift. You aren’t confessing sins, but rather, revealing who you really are. Anyone privileged enough to hear this should consider themselves lucky to be with someone who trusts them enough to reveal their deepest desires.

But yes, I can hear the groans of men reading that last paragraph. The world isn’t so kind and accepting. Sexual deviations are routinely met with derision. The LGBT community knows this all too well. This is why I advise you to take it slow.

Unfortunately, there exists a bit of a paradox when it comes to men coming forward with their desires to submit. They will be terrified to tell anyone, but when they do, it’s often a long admission of all their desires. Don’t do this. Take it slow and be patient. Start off by admitting certain fantasies you have. Your partner will probably ask for elaboration. When she does, give a light example such as wanting to be spanked or your desire for her to be more aggressive in bed. Be specific and remember that she probably won’t know what acronyms like CBT or FLR mean. Judge her reaction. If you’re really lucky, she might admit similar interests. Either way, she’s likely to oblige a small request.

And most important of all, lower your expectations. Your wife isn’t going to throw on a catsuit and dominate you the entire weekend just because you admitted your kinks to her. Take small steps, adding a little more at a time. If you push too quickly, she’s likely to feel uncomfortable and think that she sucks at domination. That’s not a very good way of making your wife feel sexy. Do that and she’ll dread entertaining your submissive fantasies.

If she enjoys domination, you can continue to reveal other interests. Try to impress upon how your fantasies help her. If you enjoy body worship, tell her that you want to give her foot massages and oral sex as often as she likes. Likewise, tell her you want her to make you do the chores. For a partner who is sexually uninterested in dominating her husband, this can be a great way to sell a female led relationship. In The Stranger, Dan Savage wrote about this exact thing (link provided to the article). The husband wanted to submit to his wife. She, on the other hand, wanted someone, “to do the fucking laundry.” After years of living in a wife led marriage, the woman couldn’t imagine going back to their former ways.

I think this provides a perfect example of how female led relationships are often negotiated. Submissive men look at the reality of there being far more of themselves than there are dominant women and despair that the odds of their wife ever being into FLR are so slim that it isn’t worth the risk of bringing it up. This, more than anything else, is the reason why I think so many submissive men go their entire marriages without ever revealing their kinks.

Just think about how unfortunate it is that so many submissives will never tell the person they’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives with about their deepest sexual needs. I can’t help but wonder how many of these men on their deathbed will be mentally flogging themselves for never having had the courage to open up.

Don’t let this be you.

The sad reality is that your wife probably isn’t the femme fatale of your dreams. Most women don’t masturbate to thoughts of dominating men. However, most loving wives are willing to cater to a light fetish. When she sees how happy an over-the-knee spanking makes you, she might obliged a few other requests.

With that being said, your wife may introduce a few fantasies of her own that might not exactly tickle your submissive heart. If so, suck it up and do your best. It’s only fair to give back in a relationship.

Buying and Using Your First Strap-on

As you read the evening newspaper and flip the page, you hear your wife calling you from the bedroom in her signature ready-to-play voice. The workday has been stressful and long, but right now your wife wants to set your mind at ease. You set down your paper and move toward the bedroom. As pass the doorway, you see her standing by the bed in her silk robe. She opens it, allowing the fabric to fall to the floor. Watching her step forward in the lace ensemble you bought her for Christmas, your throat tightens. Then you see it. Extending from between her legs is an eight-inch strap-on. You start to back away, to object. She tells you not to worry. Your wife understands. You’ve had a tough day at the office. It’s time to bend over and let her do all the work.

Whew! I had to set my wet panties beside the keyboard after that one. Nothing like some good old fashion strap-on sex to humble a man. Is there anything better? So many kinks wrapped up into such a simple fetish. There’s the physical act of bending over in a submissive pose, the hints of forced bi, the tapping into deep-rooted fears of rape. With a little dress up, feminization can easily be added. Gender roles are reversed. Considering the number of kinks at work, it’s no wonder that strap-on is such a popular fetish.

First, can we seriously get a committee of lexicographers together to decide if it’s spelled strap-on, strapon, or strap on? Macmillan, I’m looking at you.

Since I’m a fan of hyphens, I guess I’ll stick with strap-on.

Selecting a Strap-On

If you’re a sub, I’m assuming you have a partner to play with. If not, I’ll be writing an upcoming series of blog posts about making your submissive fantasies a reality, whether it’s telling your significant other, finding a play partner, and/or visiting a pro domme. Check back for those updates.

The one word of advice I’ll give on purchasing a strap-on is to remember the idiom, “Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.” The same is true when picking out a strap-on. Often the sub’s eyes are bigger than his anus. That nine-inch beast may get you rock hard when viewing it on the computer screen, but unless you’re advance with anal play, that thing’s probably not going inside no matter how much lube you use.

Also, don’t assume that just because you’ve used butt plugs in the past that this should be good measure of how big of a strap-on you can take. A butt plug remains in place. Just because you can get it in once doesn’t mean you can easily endure the thrusting motions of your partner fucking you.

The most important dimension is not length. Most men’s asses are long enough to take six inches. Width is what causes most of the problems. And since strap-ons are primarily made for women, the widths are often too large for an anus. Anything over an inch for a first timer is probably too much. Almost all strap-on dildos will tell you its width in the product details, so you shouldn’t have a problem finding it.

Avoid the curved dildos. These are designed to hit a woman’s G-spot and won’t work well for a man’s anatomy. And please don’t get a glass dildo. These are decorative and have no business near your body, and since they take so long to warm and are hard, I can’t imagine them feeling good. Go with silicone or CyberSkin materials. Both are the most realistic materials, the latter being more so.

Don’t overlook the harness either. Make sure it’s a comfortable looking one. If you’re feeling more adventurous, get a double-sided or vibrating harness. There’s no reason that the receiver should get all the fun.

Lube to Use

I recommend getting JO Premium. It’s the only silicone lube that can be used with silicone sex toys. Silicone can be a pain to get off, but it’s better than anal lube. I would avoid water-based lubes. They dry out the anus because the rectum absorbs water, causing swelling and increasing the amount of micro tears in the rectum walls.

As a side note, if you’re planning to use condoms with your strap-on play, silicone based lubes also won’t break down condoms like petroleum-based lubes will, e.g., Vaseline. But remember that JO Premium is the only silicone you can use with silicone-based products.

Using a Strap-on

Avoid defecating for at least several hours to avoid . . . well, let’s not go there. Condoms make cleanups easier. For some, condoms can also lend to the realism of the experience, adding to the humiliation factor.

While it’s pretty obvious to add lube to the dildo, don’t forget to lube the hole it’s going in. If you have trouble fitting the strap-on, a butt plug for ten minutes can help loosen things up.

Safety

Start off slowly. If you spot any blood, stop immediately and don’t try again for several days. The biggest public service announcement here is cleanup. Dish soap works fine. We all hate cleanup after sex, but germs are probably the biggest threat lurking in any dungeon or kink chest.

I think that’s about all. If you have any questions, or if you think I’ve left something important out, let me know below.