I occasionally get emails from readers who have fantasized their whole lives about submitting to a dominant woman. Many of these men are married or in long-term relationships, so it always begs the question as to why they’re telling me about this instead of their significant other. I never ask because I already know the answer. They’re afraid of rejection.
In the spirit of the holiday season, where giving is a central theme, I decided to write a three part series on making your submissive fantasies come true. If you’re a female dominant looking for a slave, you should be able to reverse the pronouns and follow the same logic. For a virgin kinkster, I can think of no better present to yourself than the gift of realizing some of your submissive fantasies. In this blog post, I’ll be discussing how to introduce your wife or long-term partner to a female led relationship. In the next post, we’ll chat about finding a girlfriend or play partner who’s into femdom, and finally, we’ll end by talking about pro dommes.
Almost every submissive male is to some degree ashamed of his fetish. Our culture still assumes the man is to ask the girl out, initiate sex, ask for marriage, and lead the household. Sexual submission—whether practiced as a weekly spanking or as a lifestyle based on a female led relationship—turns those notions on its head. Too often, the submissive male is viewed as a weakling or a loser. It’s no wonder these men resist the idea of outing themselves to their romantic interests. They fear ridicule at best and a divorce or break up at worst.
Submissive men have to get that misrepresented caricature out of their head. When confessing their submissive kinks, men often approach the woman as if they’re admitting to bankruptcy, criminal convictions, or terminal illnesses. If you’re that ashamed of your fetishes, how do you expect other people to respect them? Have confidence and be proud of your kinks. Know that submission is a gift. You aren’t confessing sins, but rather, revealing who you really are. Anyone privileged enough to hear this should consider themselves lucky to be with someone who trusts them enough to reveal their deepest desires.
But yes, I can hear the groans of men reading that last paragraph. The world isn’t so kind and accepting. Sexual deviations are routinely met with derision. The LGBT community knows this all too well. This is why I advise you to take it slow.
Unfortunately, there exists a bit of a paradox when it comes to men coming forward with their desires to submit. They will be terrified to tell anyone, but when they do, it’s often a long admission of all their desires. Don’t do this. Take it slow and be patient. Start off by admitting certain fantasies you have. Your partner will probably ask for elaboration. When she does, give a light example such as wanting to be spanked or your desire for her to be more aggressive in bed. Be specific and remember that she probably won’t know what acronyms like CBT or FLR mean. Judge her reaction. If you’re really lucky, she might admit similar interests. Either way, she’s likely to oblige a small request.
And most important of all, lower your expectations. Your wife isn’t going to throw on a catsuit and dominate you the entire weekend just because you admitted your kinks to her. Take small steps, adding a little more at a time. If you push too quickly, she’s likely to feel uncomfortable and think that she sucks at domination. That’s not a very good way of making your wife feel sexy. Do that and she’ll dread entertaining your submissive fantasies.
If she enjoys domination, you can continue to reveal other interests. Try to impress upon how your fantasies help her. If you enjoy body worship, tell her that you want to give her foot massages and oral sex as often as she likes. Likewise, tell her you want her to make you do the chores. For a partner who is sexually uninterested in dominating her husband, this can be a great way to sell a female led relationship. In The Stranger, Dan Savage wrote about this exact thing (link provided to the article). The husband wanted to submit to his wife. She, on the other hand, wanted someone, “to do the fucking laundry.” After years of living in a wife led marriage, the woman couldn’t imagine going back to their former ways.
I think this provides a perfect example of how female led relationships are often negotiated. Submissive men look at the reality of there being far more of themselves than there are dominant women and despair that the odds of their wife ever being into FLR are so slim that it isn’t worth the risk of bringing it up. This, more than anything else, is the reason why I think so many submissive men go their entire marriages without ever revealing their kinks.
Just think about how unfortunate it is that so many submissives will never tell the person they’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives with about their deepest sexual needs. I can’t help but wonder how many of these men on their deathbed will be mentally flogging themselves for never having had the courage to open up.
Don’t let this be you.
The sad reality is that your wife probably isn’t the femme fatale of your dreams. Most women don’t masturbate to thoughts of dominating men. However, most loving wives are willing to cater to a light fetish. When she sees how happy an over-the-knee spanking makes you, she might obliged a few other requests.
With that being said, your wife may introduce a few fantasies of her own that might not exactly tickle your submissive heart. If so, suck it up and do your best. It’s only fair to give back in a relationship.