Finding a Dominant Girlfriend

Last week, I discussed how to introduce your wife or significant other to female domination. If you aren’t currently in a relationship you might have felt left out. Don’t despair. This week’s post is all about you. If you’re a single kinkster looking for love, consider yourself very fortunate. There are plenty of like-minded fetish enthusiasts out there with desires just as twisted or tame as your own.

Unfortunately, this is a numbers game, and the numbers aren’t encouraging for submissive males searching for their Wanda*. There are a wide range of stats on this issue. Some list submissive males outnumbering dominant females four to one. Academic research I’ve seen have numbers all over the place but submissive men always outnumber dominant women. If you read the fine print on these studies many of them only have a few hundred people (at best) and are often limited to a small geographical area.

Here’s Fetlife’s own numbers.

Fetlife Female Domination Stats

Link to larger graph.

Fetlife Female Domination Stats

Link to larger graph.

I know these are probably too small to see, so I’ve provided a link to them. If we add up sub and slave, we get 11.39% for men. For women, adding dom, domme, and mistress, we arrive at 10.74%. Sadist represents a percentage too small to be included. There’s also brat which I imagine contains a few dominant women. Given this comparison, there appears to be an almost 1:1 ratio.

However, at almost every Munch or fetish ball I’ve attended submissive men have far outnumbered dominant women. Others have confirmed my anecdotal reports. So what gives? The reason for this anomaly is simple; men outnumber women on Fetlife’s site 6:1.

We may never learn the real number, but I know this much. If you’re a submissive male in search of a dominant woman, being able to present yourself as a human being interested in real connections beyond having your fetishes entertained will put you in the top ten percent alone. Be respectful and find common ground beyond kinks and you’re likely to have much better success than shouting out a bucket list of fetishes to be fulfilled.

Fetlife is like Facebook for kinksters. There’s also Alt. For males, Collar Me (or Collar Space as they’ve now rebranded themselves) is a waste of time. I’m not even giving them the respect of a hyperlink. Another great site is AboutFLR. The dating portion is very small, but it has a wealth of information about female led relationships. There are a ton of other sites that a simple Google search will reveal. While POF and OkCupid don’t cater specifically to kinksters, they both have a large number of active users. Both are also free. (For the record, I met my spouse on OkCupid, so I think they’re pretty awesome.)

Fetlife is probably your best bet. Just don’t expect to find your dream domme in an afternoon. There are still lots of fakes, flakes, and pro dommes on any of these sites. Be patient and spend time filling out your profile to the best of your ability. You can use a photo, but realize that with reverse imaging, your photos might be found. If you do want to use a photo of yourself, which I highly encourage, post one that has never been put onto any other social media site before.

After you’ve set up your profile and you’ve started chatting with others who pique your interest, try moving things out of the digital world as soon as possible. Get a phone number and call the person. You’ll get a much better feel for them. It’s important that you don’t develop feelings for someone who only exists to you in cyberspace or through texting. We can present just about any persona we want on the Internet. Speaking to that person on the phone will give you a much better impression of who they are.

If all goes well, meet in a public venue and have coffee. It’s important to have one or two non-fetish meet-ups before diving into anything sexual. Call it kink courting. You also want to be careful that you don’t end up in any dangerous situations. Bondage with a stranger is a recipe for bad things to come. Remember that you control the pace. Any domme who is pushing you to engage in activities that you feel uncomfortable with is a major red flag. The reverse is also true for dommes.

While Internet sites can be a great way to meet others, don’t disregard Munches if they’re available in your area. Munches are informal get-togethers for like-minded fetishists held normally at a restaurant. This is a great way to meet experienced fetish participants. Even if you don’t find your domme at one of these, you are sure to meet veteran dommes who can help guide you and provide mentoring. Don’t underestimate how valuable this can be.

Finally, we get to the best way to meet your future dominatrix. Date regular women. While this is the long route, it’s probably the most common. While many men are aware of their fetishes, most women don’t discover their kinks until someone introduces them in a relationship. You may get turned down a few times after you reveal your kinks. And yes, she might tell her friends. Just make sure to have your phone close by because one of those girlfriends may decide to give you a ring.

*Wanda is a reference to the dominant woman in Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs.

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Introducing Your Wife or Significant Other to Female Domination

I occasionally get emails from readers who have fantasized their whole lives about submitting to a dominant woman. Many of these men are married or in long-term relationships, so it always begs the question as to why they’re telling me about this instead of their significant other. I never ask because I already know the answer. They’re afraid of rejection.

In the spirit of the holiday season, where giving is a central theme, I decided to write a three part series on making your submissive fantasies come true. If you’re a female dominant looking for a slave, you should be able to reverse the pronouns and follow the same logic. For a virgin kinkster, I can think of no better present to yourself than the gift of realizing some of your submissive fantasies. In this blog post, I’ll be discussing how to introduce your wife or long-term partner to a female led relationship. In the next post, we’ll chat about finding a girlfriend or play partner who’s into femdom, and finally, we’ll end by talking about pro dommes.

Almost every submissive male is to some degree ashamed of his fetish. Our culture still assumes the man is to ask the girl out, initiate sex, ask for marriage, and lead the household. Sexual submission—whether practiced as a weekly spanking or as a lifestyle based on a female led relationship—turns those notions on its head. Too often, the submissive male is viewed as a weakling or a loser. It’s no wonder these men resist the idea of outing themselves to their romantic interests. They fear ridicule at best and a divorce or break up at worst.

Submissive men have to get that misrepresented caricature out of their head. When confessing their submissive kinks, men often approach the woman as if they’re admitting to bankruptcy, criminal convictions, or terminal illnesses. If you’re that ashamed of your fetishes, how do you expect other people to respect them? Have confidence and be proud of your kinks. Know that submission is a gift. You aren’t confessing sins, but rather, revealing who you really are. Anyone privileged enough to hear this should consider themselves lucky to be with someone who trusts them enough to reveal their deepest desires.

But yes, I can hear the groans of men reading that last paragraph. The world isn’t so kind and accepting. Sexual deviations are routinely met with derision. The LGBT community knows this all too well. This is why I advise you to take it slow.

Unfortunately, there exists a bit of a paradox when it comes to men coming forward with their desires to submit. They will be terrified to tell anyone, but when they do, it’s often a long admission of all their desires. Don’t do this. Take it slow and be patient. Start off by admitting certain fantasies you have. Your partner will probably ask for elaboration. When she does, give a light example such as wanting to be spanked or your desire for her to be more aggressive in bed. Be specific and remember that she probably won’t know what acronyms like CBT or FLR mean. Judge her reaction. If you’re really lucky, she might admit similar interests. Either way, she’s likely to oblige a small request.

And most important of all, lower your expectations. Your wife isn’t going to throw on a catsuit and dominate you the entire weekend just because you admitted your kinks to her. Take small steps, adding a little more at a time. If you push too quickly, she’s likely to feel uncomfortable and think that she sucks at domination. That’s not a very good way of making your wife feel sexy. Do that and she’ll dread entertaining your submissive fantasies.

If she enjoys domination, you can continue to reveal other interests. Try to impress upon how your fantasies help her. If you enjoy body worship, tell her that you want to give her foot massages and oral sex as often as she likes. Likewise, tell her you want her to make you do the chores. For a partner who is sexually uninterested in dominating her husband, this can be a great way to sell a female led relationship. In The Stranger, Dan Savage wrote about this exact thing (link provided to the article). The husband wanted to submit to his wife. She, on the other hand, wanted someone, “to do the fucking laundry.” After years of living in a wife led marriage, the woman couldn’t imagine going back to their former ways.

I think this provides a perfect example of how female led relationships are often negotiated. Submissive men look at the reality of there being far more of themselves than there are dominant women and despair that the odds of their wife ever being into FLR are so slim that it isn’t worth the risk of bringing it up. This, more than anything else, is the reason why I think so many submissive men go their entire marriages without ever revealing their kinks.

Just think about how unfortunate it is that so many submissives will never tell the person they’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives with about their deepest sexual needs. I can’t help but wonder how many of these men on their deathbed will be mentally flogging themselves for never having had the courage to open up.

Don’t let this be you.

The sad reality is that your wife probably isn’t the femme fatale of your dreams. Most women don’t masturbate to thoughts of dominating men. However, most loving wives are willing to cater to a light fetish. When she sees how happy an over-the-knee spanking makes you, she might obliged a few other requests.

With that being said, your wife may introduce a few fantasies of her own that might not exactly tickle your submissive heart. If so, suck it up and do your best. It’s only fair to give back in a relationship.